I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
