She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
