I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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