i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
