Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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