if i can run in heels then i can drive
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
