those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize