my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
