Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
