U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
