There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
