btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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