i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
