I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I checked into jail on foursquare
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
