I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
