my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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