Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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