Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
