The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
