I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
