I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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