so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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