If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
