you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
a search helicopter?!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
