question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
