You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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