zippers are such a cool invention
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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