I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
