I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
