HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
