i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
