Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
