my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
