Welp...herpes.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
