happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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