there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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