dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
