so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
