I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
