That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
if only i could text you this smell
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
