I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
