he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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