I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
