I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
