At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
