I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
