yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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