i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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