He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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