haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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