I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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