hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
