I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i drank out of a bidet.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
