when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
