i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
