Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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