just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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